Auf Wiedersehen, Sweetheart
by PartiPooper
Summary: Eric has to leave his pregnant wife Kylie for a business trip, but when he returns there is a little bundle of joy for him to meet. (Fluffy Kyman Two-Shot; Rated T for profanities; Warning: includes Fem!Kyle for reproduction purposes, so do not read if you are not into gender-bending.)
1. Goodbye

One month. Four weeks. Thirty days. Seven hundred and thirty hours. Forty three thousand eight hundred and twenty nine minutes. Two million five hundred and ninety two thousand seconds. That was how long Eric was going to be gone. And it sucked. Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad, if it wasn't for knowing that he was going to be missing out on something really important while he was away, for Kylie, his wife and life and whole wide world, had a bun in the oven. _His_ bun. She was a little over nine months pregnant, and he was going to be gone for the due date, so he was going to miss the whole birth thing. And yeah, the whole birth thing was pretty gross and all, and honestly he would probably faint were he to stay and witness it, but it was the principle of the thing that mattered.

He wasn't going to be there to say encouraging words throughout Kylie's labour and probably get an earful from her about being patronising for it. He wasn't going to be there to get his hand crushed in his wife's vice-grip. He wasn't going to be there to hear his child's first, noisy lungful of air. He wasn't going to be there for his arms to be the first to cradle it. He wasn't going to be there, full stop, and that disheartening thought was enough to make him want to run back out of the airport and speed home and stay in hiding there with Kylie until the company forgot him and the business trip to Germany he was supposed to be on as an interpreter. But he couldn't, he knew, so in the airport, just a little way away from the customs gate where he could cross but Kylie couldn't, he stayed stood in his suit jacket and tie, and his shirt and slacks, and the squeaky, black shoes Kylie had polished for him that morning whilst he had been shaving his stubble off.

They had been talking, up until they reached the gate, with Kylie running through a mental check-list and asking him several times over whether he was absolutely sure he had everything, and Eric reassuring her that yes, he was sure, even though he actually wasn't. But then they had suddenly stopped, and stood face-to-face for a long while, and just quietly looked at each other, for what would be the last time in a long time. Kylie was wearing grey tracksuit bottoms, as she had taken to wearing pants that were easy to slip on and off, since she was constantly running to and from the bathroom thanks to the bladder-squashing baby within. She was also wearing one of Eric's big, baggy hoodies, because it was so big on her that it covered her big bump, and it didn't ride up her tummy like all her own tops did. Overall, her outfit was an odd throw-together that made her look quite grubby, but she never had been one to care much for appearances. Meanwhile, Eric harboured the miraculous ability to find her pretty no matter what. Together they were a great team, whose motto was: _"Meh, whatever."_

After a while longer of staring, Eric finally decided to break the silence. "So," he said. "Here we are."

"Yeah," Kylie replied quietly. Eric was secretly sort of glad that she was frowning. To know that she wasn't ecstatic about his leaving was a relief.

"A whole month," he said. The thought still both awed and saddened him, but mainly the latter.

"Don't get killed," Kylie warned, narrowing her eyes and glaring him down. "If you get killed, I will be so mad."

Eric smirked. "Hmm, but that's so tempting. I love making you mad."

"Try me," Kylie practically snarled. "I will not hesitate to shit on your grave if you do something stupid and get yourself killed for it. I mean it."

"Alright, alright," Eric chortled. "Geez, I promise I won't get killed. Now you promise me you'll take care of yourself and Eric Junior."

Kylie rolled her eyes. "No. I was totally thinking of throwing us in front of a car. Of _course_ I'll take care, dumbass."

"And call me. Tell me what's going on at home. And write me soppy love poems about how much your heart weeps in my absence."

"Gross. In your dreams."

Eric laughed. "'Kay then, but still call me."

"I will. Twice a week, every week."

"Good." Eric nodded. "So then…" His smile fell. "I guess this is it."

"Yeah…" Kyle said sadly. "Yeah, I guess so…"

"…I'm gonna miss you," he promised. "Honest to God, I'm gonna miss the fuck out of you."

"Me too." Nodding in agreement, Kylie got up onto the balls of her feet and wrapped her arms around Eric's neck, pulling him in for a hug. He hugged her back, pulling her as close as the big bump between them would allow. "Make sure you call me too," she said. "Don't be lazy."

"Don't need to tell me twice," Eric replied. He nuzzled his face into her long, thick curls, inhaling her sweet scent, savouring it to memory. After pulling away, he stooped down on one knee, so as to lift the bottom of the hoodie up and reveal the bump. He wrapped his arms around it and pressed his cheek against it. "See you on the other side, Junior," he said, and then kissed the bump, just shy of Kylie's bellybutton, which had turned into an outie over the months. He pulled the hoodie back down and stood up again, and smiled softly down at her. She wasn't crying – not a single tear. It took a lot more than her husband leaving to make her cry. She was a tough one. Even without him, she would be fine. That was what he loved about her, and he showed it by brushing her curly fringe aside to press one last, lingering kiss to her forehead. When he pulled away, though he was still smiling at her, his heart was aching. "_Ich liebe dich_."

"I love you too," she replied, no hint of a lie or sarcasm or teasing or mockery in her voice – just the honest truth. "Stay safe."

"You too." Finally, with much reluctance, Eric let go of Kylie, stepping away from her and taking a hold of the handle of his roller suitcase. "See you in a month," he said, and then his lips quirked, as he was suddenly reminded of a song. "_Auf Wiedersehen_, sweetheart," he added light-heartedly.

Kylie nodded, plastering a smile onto her face. She raised one hand to wave at him, but the hand he focused on was the one at rest atop her bump – the bump that would soon be no more, and he wouldn't be there for the transition from bump to baby. It was one of the things that left him feeling sore about leaving at all. But he had to do what he had to do, and he had to bring the bacon home, where his wife and child to-be were, and if that meant sacrificing a few moments that could be spent with them, then so be it.

Flashing her one last wide, toothy, charismatic grin, Eric waved back before turning and walking away, reminding himself that every step away from her was another step towards the day when they would be together again.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**A while ago I was watching videos of soldiers returning home from service and meeting their babies for the first time, and I wanted to use that cute concept for my OTP. I originally wrote it with Eric going away for military service, but one of my friends I told about the idea found it a little bothersome as they do not condone the US military. I didn't want anybody else who read this to be bothered about the military aspect and have it distract from the cuteness, so I changed it to have Eric going away on a business trip instead. I hope you find it agreeable.  
>To those who are wondering why I made Kyle female: well, the baby had to come from somewhere, didn't it? And I wasn't in the mood for mpreg. Maybe some of you would have preferred Eric to be Mom Erica, but I personally prefer Kyle as Mom Kylie. I bet she'd be a super mom, who can be kind and patient, but still tough when need be. She would be the type of mom who would have the baby strapped to her back while she went around hoovering and mopping and stuff, like one of those hardcore moms in outdoorsy labour who have their babies in bundles on their backs while they're working out in the fields. She wouldn't need no man! She would get on just fine, even without Eric there to help.<br>****As to Eric, I always feel like he would be really happy to be a dad. He would spoil the hell out of the child, but he would do it with the best intentions, wanting to give his child the good childhood he didn't have, and be the dad he never had. I mean, he would see all kids as snotty brats, of course, but his own child would be the only exception. His mind-set is "I'm super cool, so anything made from me is super cool too."  
>Stay tuned if you liked this, because one more chapter of it is on the way. In the meantime<strong>**, you should give the sweet wartime song 'Auf Wiedersehen, Sweetheart' by Vera Lynn a listen to if you haven't already.  
>Thanks for reading this, and I hope you had as much fun doing so as I did writing it. Oh, and (belated) happy new year, guys! It's my first fic of 2015!<strong>

**Disclaimer: South Park does not belong to me, but to its creators, Trey Parker and Matt Stone.**


	2. Hello

It had been the slowest month of Eric's whole entire life, but it was finally over. He was finally going home, to where Kylie was. He couldn't wait to see her again, to hold her again, to kiss her again. But, more than that, he couldn't wait to finally see his baby for the first time. It was a boy, he knew. He also knew that Kylie had named him something Jewish just to spite her husband and please her mother – Elijah Ezra Cartman. But how he looked, how he felt, and how he smelt were all things he didn't know yet, but would be learning very soon.

As he made his way out of arrivals, rolling his suitcase behind him, he was on the lookout for a red-headed woman – a Disney Ariel look-alike, except with a bigger nose and a worse singing voice. His search was made harder due to the fact that Kylie wasn't too tall, and so was sure to be hidden behind other airport-goers lurking around. He decided that the best course of action was to stay where he was, look around, and wait for the crowd of people filing out into Denver airport disperse. He hated waiting though – he was tired of doing it after a whole month. He just wanted to find his wife, meet his child, and go home with the both of them. Luckily, everybody else was in as big of a hurry as he, so he didn't have to wait too long before the area was clearer. He looked around anew, and then his breath hitched, and the rest of the world fell away.

There she was, standing just a short way away. The sight of her still didn't fail to get his heart fluttering and fill him with warmth. He still loved her as dearly as the last day he saw her, if not more so. And in her arms was a new sight – a tiny human, with petit, pudgy, pink hands and a button nose, looking all around with eyes of a deep brown. Eric's hands. Eric's nose. Eric's eyes. The tiny human was his, partly. Partly Kylie's, as could be seen from the tufts of red starting to sprout from his head. With his small, dark eyes and his red hair sticking up, Elijah looked kind of like a troll doll. He was a funny-looking baby, that was for sure. Eric had never fallen in love so fast. He had never moved so fast either, striding across the floor with purpose to get to them, to see Kylie's smile up close, because she _was_ smiling, beaming brightly just for him.

A couple of feet from them he let go of his roller suitcase so that it fell and landed on the floor, and he held out his arms to wrap them around the woman he loved most in the world. She couldn't hug back very well, what with her own arms being full of baby, but she clutched onto the back of his shirt as tightly as was possible with one hand, and allowed herself to be swayed and rocked in his arms. Elijah was cradled between them, looking sort of squashed and very confused about what was happening.

"I'm back," Eric announced, loving how good that felt to finally say that, and how Kylie's reply felt just as good to hear.

"Welcome back."

Chortling delightedly, he pulled away slightly, to smile down at her, feeling the happiest he had been in weeks. "I missed you," he said sincerely, brushing his thumb against her cheek. "So much. I thought about you every day."

"Ugh." Kylie screwed up her nose like she had smelt something bad and pulled her head away from his hand. "Going away makes you all soppy. Never do it again."

"Don't worry, I won't," Eric laughed, before bending down slowly, steadying his hands on his knees, to be eye-level with the small human in Kylie's arms. "And who's this, huh?" Elijah didn't gurgle in response or anything – he was very quiet. He just looked warily back at him, obviously not too keen on strangers.

"Do you want to hold him?" Kylie asked.

Eric didn't need to think twice before nodding his head, standing upright, and holding his hands out at the ready. "Yeah, give him here."

Kylie passed Eric's baby to him to hold for the first time, and he laid him across the length of his forearm and cupped the back of his head in the palm of his hand. The first thing he thought was how warm he was. He was like a little human hot water bottle against his arm. The way Elijah looked back at him, with tiny brows furrowed (already he looked like his mother), he almost seemed to be scrutinising him. _'Who the heck are you?' _he was probably thinking. Eric decided to answer that question.

"Hey, baby. I'm your daddy." That felt so surreal to say that Eric almost choked on it – only just about managed to get it past the lump forming in his throat. Daddy. He was a daddy. Despite being told that though, Elijah still looked a little confused, his brow furrowing further and his forehead crinkling like an old man's, and Eric laughed. His expressions were great, just like his mother's.

"Your hand is bigger than his head," Kylie chortled. Eric grinned, but not so much at the same thing Kylie had found amusing – rather more at the t-shirt Elijah was wearing, which had writing on the front which read _MY DADDY IS THE COOLEST_.

"That's a cool shirt," he said, nodding to it. "I like it."

"Thought you would," Kylie replied with a knowing smile. "Kenny bought it."

"Kenny did? Ah, shit, I bet he's bankrupt now. Poor-boy's gonna be living on crumbs till his next paycheque."

"He's actually not doing too bad now. He's got a lot of gigs lined up at Skeeter's, and he's sold a few CDs busking in Denver. He's still got his day jobs too, so yeah."

"Huh. Really?" Cartman asked, a brow and the corner of his lips quirking. "Well, what d'ya know."

Kylie nodded. "Yeah, he'll be at the Welcome Home party tomorrow, so he'll probably tell you all about it then. Oh, and he's bringing his new girlfriend, Sarah. She's really nice. I think this one might be a keeper."

"You said that about Bethany."

"Yeah, but that was before she cheated on him."

"All I'm saying is don't pre-judge. She could be a total bitch in disguise."

"You mean like you?" Kylie replied, smirking.

"Ouch," Cartman chortled. "Why did I come back to such cruelty?"

"I don't know. Why did you? Turn around and get back on the plane while you still can – it's not too late."

"And suffer that long-ass flight again? Nah, I'll just stay here with my naggy wife. After all, this kid needs at least _one_ awesome role model in its life."

"I agree. But where are we going to find one?"

A simpering smirk grew on Eric's face, and he leant down to press his face into Kylie's, so that their fringes mingled and their noses touched and their eyes met, each pair softening as they gazed into the other. "Look in your bed tonight," he murmured in a low, husky voice. "He'll be there."

Kylie shifted her head, so that the slopes of their noses pressed closer together, and her eyes looked deeper into his. "He'd better be. I haven't had anyone in there for a whole month."

"Missed me? Been lonely?"

"Maybe. Maybe not. That's for me to know and you to find out."

"Hmm," Eric hummed. "I have my ways of finding out." He slowly shut his eyes, as did Kylie, as he gradually closed the gap between them, pushing forward those extra few inches until their lips met in a kiss he had been craving for weeks. Even after so long, Kylie still didn't fail to get his heart racing and his veins buzzing and his skin tingling. He guessed that he did the same for her, since she sighed contentedly as they kissed. Everything felt perfect. But all good things came to an end, and their kiss did when Elijah started up making agitated sounds in between the two of them. They pulled away with a laugh, and Eric moved Elijah so that he was resting against his chest, and lightly bounced him up and down. "Hey, don't be like that," he said smilingly. "Daddy's home. Isn't that great?"

"Not really," Kylie laughed.

"Mommy's a liar," Eric whispered conspiringly to Elijah. "Take daddy's advice, don't believe anything she tells you. Daddy's totally super cool."

"Daddy's delusional," Kylie said with a smile. Eric only laughed, and pulled Elijah close to him, and held him so that his lips could reach his little forehead. He shut his eyes and stood there rocking and swaying gently as he kissed his son, savouring the feel of him, loving him more and more with every second he spent in his arms. He breathed him in as he kissed him, learning his smell to heart, and he smelt glorious – fresh and new, and yet distinctly like his mother.

"So what do you think of him?" Kylie asked.

Eric pulled Elijah away, to smile down at his scrunched-up, little face, and to answer, "He's perfect. He's half me though, so of course he would be."

Kylie rolled her eyes and shook her head. "You're so full of it," she sighed, but she was smiling as she did so. Maybe it was full of him to think it, but he thought she looked happy to have him and his arrogance back. Even if she was though, she wouldn't admit it. But that was fine with Eric. He didn't need anything admitted to him – he just knew, from looking at her, from seeing that she was there to meet him, from the fact that she had chosen to start a family with him, that she loved him as much as he did her. So, silently, he smiled, whilst she went to pick up his suitcase for him. "Come on," she said when she returned to his side, taking up his free hand in hers and intertwining their fingers. "Let's go home."

'_Home,'_ Eric thought. His wife's hand was in his. His child was in his arms. He was home.

"_Klingt gut_," he agreed, and, with that, the little family of three left, together at last.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**So there you have it. I don't know, I thought it was cute. If you did too, then that's good. If not, then sorry.  
>I love writing Eric and Kyle's banter - it's so much fun. I just wish that ideas for whole entire lengthy verbal exchanges wouldn't hit me all at once at what-the-fuck o'clock at night or stupid o'clock in the morning. Ah, the life of a fanfiction writer is a sleep-deprived one.<br>Also, musician Kenny anyone? After his operatic training in S04E04 'Quintuplets' I thought he'd be pretty good musically.  
>Thank you for reading this, and I hope you had as much fun doing so as I did writing it.<strong>

**Disclaimer: South Park does not belong to me, but to its creators, Trey Parker and Matt Stone.**


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